I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
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