I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Randomize
