I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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