Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
