just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I wear drunk well.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
