A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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