The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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