Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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