I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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