i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
