The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
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