Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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