Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
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He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
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Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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