somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
