The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
