apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
