What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
