I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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