omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
