is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
