Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
