I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
