Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
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You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
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Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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