Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
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