We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
