Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
