I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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