My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
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