Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
