I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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