If i come over, it means nothing
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
