When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
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That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
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I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
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