i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
