so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
