FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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