Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Everclear isn't food dammit
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
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