WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Randomize
