4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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