I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
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