I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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