Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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