I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
