I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.