Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
