did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome