The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Drunk is not a location!