Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.