watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
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She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
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Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.