the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
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A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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