You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I think I just sharted jello shots
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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