I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Randomize
