the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
