she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
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Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
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He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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