will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
