I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
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He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
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You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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