I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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