Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
