I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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