At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
